Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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