the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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