Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
