i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
We're using joints as your birthday candles
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Randomize
