if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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