The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
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What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
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The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.