The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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