After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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