fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
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