If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
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Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
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why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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