it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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