you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
