TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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