Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I have fence marks all over my body
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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