A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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