How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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