I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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