Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
