Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
