you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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