Just fell off a train. Bad.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
