Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
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The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
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Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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