When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
