Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
