I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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