You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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