No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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