He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
