The best revenge is premature balding
you win again, gameday.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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