she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
