WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
