I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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