I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
