A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
