I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
