I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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