Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
