dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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