its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
