He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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