During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
