I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
