M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
