just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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