When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
