At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
