today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
