I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
