Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
