On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
