I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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