I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Randomize
