i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
