I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
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