dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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