When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
